There is Nothing Between You and I!

How many times do I have to repeat: There is nothing between “you and I”! It’s all between “you and me”! I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. You could be using the subject form (I) to sound more erudite. However, that is just plain wrong.

Want to know why?

Between is a preposition. Prepositions require the “object” form. You can be both subject and object, so nothing to worry about there. I, on the other hand, is subject; me is object.

Don’t make me tell you again!

The Newsletter I'm Waiting For

 

Here’s the newsletter I’m waiting to receive:

            I’m about to tell the truth about the year just past. No, it wasn’t one of the better ones, and I’m not about to hide behind a bunch of lies about how great life is.

            My books aren’t selling. Most of the writers who send me holiday mail imply that their books are selling like gangbusters. If that’s so, why ain’t they rich and sitting in Palm Beach?

            The newsletters I receive tell about their college-educated achieving kids getting great jobs and promotions and even their pets making out like… well, like animals! My kids are finding they don’t need me around anymore. And their pets see more of them than I do.

            As for grandchildren, I have only one and she hasn’t communicated with me in ten years — since she was 13. From what I gather, her growth was stunted shortly after she ran off with her mother and disowned her father and all his family.

            The rest of my news is equally turbulent. I’m aging. Well, we all are, but I have a head start on you all and I’m way past my sell-by date. It’s a wonder somebody hasn’t thrown me out yet.

            Oh, the house. I don’t know why newsletter writers insist on talking about the swimming pool they added, the new homes they and their children bought, and the way some of the kids are adapting to ritzy condo living. My house is warm; I can say that amid freezing temperatures. The doors lock; the windows are double-thick to keep out the cold, and the roof doesn’t leak. I won’t talk about the plumbing or electricity or phone lines; it’s just too depressing.

            Okay, so it’s not all bad. I do get Social Security, although it’s been cut back so far I can afford only a couple of days of eating each month. See? Good news! I’ve lost another ten pounds (and about two inches in height).

            I do see my offspring occasionally, and once they didn’t fight for an entire hour — a record. They’re good kids; they just don’t listen to their mother anymore. But then, who does?

            My husband was awaiting a long-deserved promotion and raise in September, but just after Labor Day received a pink slip. He’s too old now to find another job quickly, but he’s about 56^th in line for a job at Walmart. Meanwhile, all he does is grump around the house.

            As for my work, I’m a linguist, grammarian, word person, among the most underappreciated, under-recognized, and under-utilized people in the country. France and Germany have languages that people study and work to get right. But Americans (not the Canadian or South American kind) prefer to wander aimlessly through quasi-sentences with unimaginative words, mostly misspelled or erroneously placed. And who can understand the way young people talk these days. I’m not deaf; they elide too much (look it up!).

            Some more good news: I drive wherever I want and have been lucky with finding good deals on gas. Still, who wants to drive amid the traffic that clogs pot-holed streets and causes accidents. I can’t remember the last time I drove more than two blocks from home without having some fool cut in front of me — or without having to stop while emergency vehicles go racing past, on their way to the latest shooting. I almost long for the days of horses and buggies, messy as they were.

            But my newsletter is getting too long. When I hit Page 2 of most newsletters, I want to race to the end to see who sent it to me. I don’t recognize most of the names; who can keep track of their relatives’ kids and grandkids, especially those with such weird names? And never mind friends’ offspring. Who cares!

            Oh, almost forgot. I noted the price of Christmas trees the other day. Thirty and forty dollars for trees we used to buy for a couple bucks! And the trees… are… d-e-a-d! As for Christmas shopping, I am one of those who refuses to go into a store from Thanksgiving to Epiphany.

            Yes, I’m wishing you a Merry Christmas, rather than a Happy Holiday. I celebrate (or used to when it didn’t cost so much) Christmas. If you celebrate Hanukah or Kwanzaa or Eid, I’ll wish you a happy one when the time comes. But for me, December 25 is not a “holiday”, it’s a Holy Day celebrating Christmas.

So: M E R R Y   C H R I S T M A S and a very H A P P I E R   N E X T   Y E A R!’

*(Of course you don’t know who sent this; I never signed it!)

LIE and LAY (One More Time)

How many times do I have to say it: LAY and LIE are both verbs, yes. But one is active (lay), and one is passive (lie). You lay something (some object) down; then it lies there.

Still confused about “The book lay on the table for two days”? That’s because LAY is also the past tense of “to lie”.

I lay in my bed until six a.m. (Past Tense)
She laid in her bed until noon. (Past Tense)
The book lay on the table for two days because that is where I laid it. (Past Tense)

I lie in bed as long as I wish. (Present Tense)
She is lying in her bed longer. (Present Tense)
The book will still lie on that table for two more days because that's where I laid it. (Lie: Present Tense / Laid: Past Tense)

Got it? Don’t ever let me hear you get it backwards again! (Now I lay me down to sleep… Do you see the object of that verb?)

How Would You Play With a Goat?

Would you, could you, should you… these italicized words indicate auxiliary verbs (will, can, shall). But don’t worry about what they’re called. How do you use the darned things?

Often when I’m editing a manuscript (especially a memoir) I find myself deeply mired in a morass of woulds. If I had a dollar for every “would”, I could retire to the Alps where I once spent a summer. 

In those days I would play with the goats all day, who would enjoy the frolic, and would reward me with wet licks of my face. I would often yodel as I played.

See what I mean? too many! And too many woulds spoil a story.
My edit: 

In those days I played with the goats all day, who enjoyed the frolic and rewarded me with wet licks on my face. I often yodeled as I played.

See how much more active that reads? Look at those verbs; they fairly reek flavor.

Now you try it. Look at the last memoir (or any account of an event) that you wrote and count the woulds. Too many? Rewrite!

Want to know how a would should be used? Proper use of would uses the word to help another verb that is or has been often repeated.  

A goat would chew on a stick all day, if given the chance. 
As a child, I would pull on my hair when I was frightened. 
Viewers of the movie would laugh in the wrong place.

Treat the would with kid gloves. (Sorry, that was baaaed; I couldn’t resist!)

Beware the Mighty Pronouns

How important are pronouns? How would you feel if you received either of the following messages?

Some people are invited to participate, but not women.
The winner is predetermined to be a man.

Let’s rephrase those to show how pronouns project those messages — often without meaning to.

This contest is open to every entrant who shows his identification.
The winner will receive his front row tickets in the mail.

If you’re a woman, you know what I’m talking about — that beastly masculine pronoun that once was expected to serve all of “mankind”. Well, no more. What is the solution? Ah, let me count the ways. There are many, but here are two to get you started.

Phrase the message to avoid the pronoun. (The winner will receive front row tickets in the mail.)
Use plurals. (This contest is open to all entrants who show their identification.)

Now go and sin no more with sexist pronouns. Include all of humankind when you speak or write — unless you want to exclude others. And that’s not nice!

Where Do You Put Curly Tails?

The most questions I receive ask “Where do you place apostrophes and commas?” And while I wish I could tell you exactly where they belong in your sentences, I can give you some guidelines here.

First the raised curly tailed marks, the ones we call apostrophes. Two places immediately come to mind:

In contractions (where a letter or two has been omitted), as in can’t (cannot), won’t (will not), she’s (she is), he’d (he had), it’s (it is).
The second regular use is in possessives (where you indicate something that belongs to someone or something else), as in football’s leather, hat’s feather, horse’s mane, child’s eyes. Notice the raised curlycue in each example.

As for the lower curly tailed marks, the ones we call commas, more challenges apply. Here are three of the major uses:

Dividing items in a list of three or more: Sonja was dating three boys: Jimmy, Bobby, and Wally.
Following an introductory phrase: As each found out, they walked away.
Separating two full sentences, accompanied by a conjunction (and, but, still, yet, etc.): Sonja felt rejected, and she cried for ten minutes.

Know also there are many many more uses for both commas and apostrophes. They are all covered in my book, The Anarchist’s Guide to Grammar (Amazon and Kindle). See? There’s one in the title — and in the previous sentence! Popular little guys, aren’t they! There you have it. Go forth and watch your use of the curly tailed marks that so cleverly direct your readers’ attention.

Lay Back and Tell No Lies

Such consternation, even in the world of comedians. One recently quoted (or misquoted) on national television: “…lions laying down with lambs”. Oooh! That hurt.

In the comics pages — which incidentally are written by artists well-versed in the use of U.S. language — one slipped up last week and let the character talk about “…laying around all day, doing nothing”. Oh my!

Many comics writers work “proper English” and “grammar” into their strips, and not always in the standard lie/lay usage conundrum. One strip about golf included the following dialog: “That was a short shot.” The reply: “I was laying up.”

Another use of lay appeared recently: “The cuckoo bird likes to lay its eggs in the nest of other birds.” See? You learn stuff from the comics pages.

So what’s the real skinny on lie/lay? And how can we remember which to use… when? Simple!

Remember that lay is a verb that needs an object — something to lay down or… p-l-A-c-e. Notice the “a”; just like the one in “lay”. 

If you can’t think of that, recall that lie is a verb meaning to… r-E-c-l-I-n-E. See the “i” and “e” that also appear in “lie”?

Forget about laying up golf shots and laying eggs — those are completely other meanings. Just remember you need to lay something down (lay the taco on the plate) and it will lie around until somebody eats it (recline in leisure—yet two other “i/e” words).

Your friends will ooh and aah over your expertise in language when you conquer these simple guidelines. Promise! Would I lie to you?

Travel Farther; Think Further

The farther you travel from home, the more you further your education.
You  climb further in reputation the farther you go away from home ground.

Why does further/farther confuse so many people when the key to remember is the simple word “far”? When posed with the questions, think of distance covered.

When referring to physical distance, use farther, pertaining to something you can enumerate in inches, feet, miles, kilometers, or knots.

When referring to a nonphysical or metaphorical advancement, use further, such as talking about increasing (reputation, education, career, benefits).

So, to further your education, and possibly your career, you can stay put and study diligently while building your reputation. To travel farther than another, you’ll need a vehicle to cross the miles or light years or leagues across the sea.

Got it? No further discussion.

Speak, spoke, spoken / Prove, proved, proven. . .

What’s are the differences between the verbs speak, spoke and spoken? Prove, proved, and proven? A whole mountain of difference. And why doesn’t spoke have a spoked?

Prove is the present tense and proved is the past tense of the verb “to prove”. Proven is the participle.

She proves she caught the biggest fish.
However, she proved it too late.
Now she has proven she was right.

Speak is the present tense and spoke is the past tense of the verb “to speak”. Spoken is the participle.

He speaks too loudly after a beer.
She spoke too wildly when she scolded him yesterday.
The two have not spoken since.

The “en” words are participles, which require auxiliary (or helping) verbs.

The world has proved it is warming.
The geologists have spoken.

Now, try to figure out what the heck a participle is! And where can you find one? Perhaps you could get the real skinny in my book, The Anarchist's Guide to Grammar. Or did you know there is a book? I can prove it. Go to Amazon.com and place your order. The author has spoken!

In-TENSE-ive Verbs

Remember when Miss Miller showed you a list of “irregular verbs”? They are the ones that do not follow the standard way of making a verb past tense (add “ed”). These will trip you up. Notice the different spelling in the following sentences that include irregular verbs:

The teacher came to the end of his rope. The teacher had come to the end of his rope.
The student taught her teacher patience. The student had taught her teacher patience.
We all broke things we loved. We all have broken things we loved.
Was it you who shrank your jeans? Was it you who had shrunk your jeans?
I would not do such a thing. I would not  have done such a thing.

Notice the slightly different meaning (and spelling) when you add an auxiliary verb (have, had). Take a look at these verbs in your dictionary. They (irregulars) are shown in three forms: Present, Past, and Past Participle.

Regular verbs look like this:
          PRESENT               PAST              PAST PARTICIPLE
          walk                          walked              (have) walked
           rake                          raked                 (have) raked
           step                          stepped              (have) stepped

Irregular verbs look like this:
            go                             went                 (have) gone
            break                        broke               (have) broken
            come                        came                 (have) come
            teach                        taught               (have) taught

And here’s a clue as to why this matters. The verb “fly” has many meanings. Only the one pertaining to baseball uses the regular “ed” form: John hit a fly ball; John flied out twice. BUT: A bird can fly; The bird flew.

I agree! There is no sense to it — at all. Which is one of the reasons for keeping a dictionary on hand at all times when you’re still catching on to these idiosyncrasies.

Keep Your Thoughts to Yourself

Someone says this phrase every three seconds, somewhere in the world: “I was thinking to myself…” When I hear it, my innards quake, my teeth take on an edge, my toes curl, and my head goes dizzy.

Who else do you think to? I must ask. When you think, it’s completely your secret. Thinking occurs inside your head. When have you heard someone say, “I was thinking to Harry…” or “I was thinking to Mary…” or “I was thinking to you…”?

You have to ask why it seems necessary to add “to myself” to your thinking. Is this narcissism? a mental defect? a cry for help? Wha…???

Imagine You Can Spell Like a Whiz Kid?

Do you ever watch the annual National Spelling Bee? It is composed of the best spellers from grade schools around the country who spell words most of us have never heard before. These kids are phenoms to the max! The NSBee is so popular, they made a book out of it — and a movie. So how can you learn to spell as well as these youngsters? Or at least well enough to please your readers/boss/family/Internet friends?

Easy as 1-2-3! Three things you can do to improve your spelling all scream PAY ATTENTION.

1) Become aware of “root” words, other words that mean almost the same thing or are derived from a similar source. Let’s say you want to spell a word that means “able to be imagined”. Is it imaginible or imaginable? Think of a similar word, such as “imagination”. Do you see the “a” that follows the “n”? There’s your clue.

2) Be sure you pronounce the word right. Some words are mutilated in speech because we don’t all learn from the same speech source. One of our Presidents often spoke of “our gub-ment” (meaning government — three syllables.) Another President had trouble with nuclear, pronouncing it “nuc-u-lar” (as many others do). Notice how often those whiz kids ask for the pronunciation.

3) Look it up. Keep a spell-check app on your electronic carry-alls and refer to it when in doubt. After looking up a word a couple of times, it may sink into your imaginary dictionary-in-your-head.

Come on, show your moxy by paying attention to the way words are spelled. You will soon realize the benefits of being the kind of person who pays attention to details and can handle your language. That's your PAY BACK for PAYING ATTENTION.

Incredibly Yours

When did we start using incredible to mean “very very”?

As in:

“We spent an incredible day at the beach.”

“You are incredibly beautiful.”

 “She earns an incredible salary.”

Incredible means “unbelievable, unable to be believed”! What makes a trip to the beach unbelievable, especially if it’s a sunny day?

Personally speaking, I can believe how beautiful you are, but why would anyone say they could not believe it?

And large salaries are not only within the area of belief, but very satisfying to earn.

Come on, listen to yourself and the words you use. And believe them. I find it entirely incredible that U.S.-ers cannot grasp understanding of the language they grew up with.

Why Grammar?

As a grammarian and word person, I am constantly asked why grammar is important. “Why do I have to understand what words go together and which ones don’t?” “What's the difference if I use double negatives?” “Why do we even have apostrophes — much less, how do we use them?”

Having order to the way we communicate by mouth and writing is as important as having some order to the way we communicate via the Internet and email. Sure there are different systems, or styles. But computer-ese makes communication between computers — and therefore between people — possible. If your computer cannot talk to mine, we cannot get together on anything.

Grammar is like the coding in computers, in that knowing how it works makes it work better. Read a good book about language: The Anarchist’s Guide to Grammar, by Val Dumond, or The Language Instinct, by Steven Pinker. I guarantee you’ll come away with more respect for the guidelines offered through the order of language.

No, it’s not British English or Australian English or Canadian English — not in the good old US of A! Which is why we in the U.S. have the most beautiful and flexible language in the world. Why? Because it is composed of all the other languages — with all their styles and systems in one room, together.

Bless us all, everyone, for our language and knowing how to order it!

NOTE to Advertisers

If you have a reasonable question about grammar or punctuation, I’ll be delighted to provide my answer (not necessarily one that everyone will agree with), but perhaps one to help you.

Three requirements for an answer: 1) identify yourself,  2) ask, and 3) omit reference to your business.

—Grammar Anarchist

Can an Exception Prove Anything?

You’re familiar with the phrase: An exception proves the rule.

Maybe so, but the idea is confusing until you understand that the word prove can mean “test”. Or, as my American Heritage Dictionary states: to prove is “to determine the quality by testing".

“Not so!” says Sherlock Holmes through the pen of Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock claims that a rule cannot be questioned; it is sacrosanct, unchangeable, unwavering. Therefore, to claim there are “rules” to grammar is to claim there are no exceptions and… ergo… an exception must admit the falsity of the “rule”. Did I lose you? I didn’t lose Sherlock. He knows! And he's a Brit!

Anyone who has studied grammar quickly learns “the exceptions” that accompany almost every “rule”. The conclusion therefore must admit to preferring guidelines to rules.

You’ll find all the guidelines you need in my book, The Anarchist’s Guide to Grammar — the best grammar book you’ll ever enjoy!

Magifantastical Adjectives

I’m a big fan of Darby Conley, whose characters in his comic strip “Get Fuzzy” mangle the language regularly. He gets his cat to play with words like my daughter’s cat plays with a ball of yarn. When Cat’s owner chastises him, Cat calls him a rude luddite — “a ruddite”. Then adds that his owner is dim and stupid — “dimpid”, as well as ugly and annoying — “ugloying”. Don’t you love it? 

And when one of my writer friends turned out a book that was both magical and fantastic, I had to let her know her work is “magifantastical”. So there! Who says you can’t make up new words.

BTW, a question mark at the end of a sentence usually is asking for an answer. A question with a period at the end is called “rhetorical” because it does not require an answer.

 Ain’t grammar fun!

Where’s the Camera?

I’m here, Mr. Demille, for my closeups! The Anarachist's Guide to Grammar is receiving great reviews and more notice than I expected. However much I am proud of this book — the best grammar book you’ll ever need — I wasn’t that sure that anyone was reading much grammar lately.

The U.S. language is different from all those other “Englisher” languages out there.  Don’t even call it “American” (There are too many other Americans — everyone from Canadian through Mexican and Guatamalan to Argentinian and Chilean). We’re special!

If we take pride in our country, we ought also to pride ourselves on our language. Yes, it’s different.
It’s free, it’s flexible, it’s original, it’s creative. But most of all it belongs to the U.S. and the U.S. alone! Don’t ever forget that.

Show your pride in your respect for all things grammary!

Misplacing “Either”

“I tend to lose either my keys or my glasses” indicates a tendency to lose things. This sentence has one verb (lose) and two objects (keys and glasses)

“I tend to either lose my keys or my glasses or misplace them” indicates a tendency to sometimes lose things or sometimes misplace them. This sentence has two verbs (lose and misplace) and one object (them).

Here is an example of the need to know your verb from your object. Notice where the adjective either is placed (before the verb or before the object(s)). Got it?

Inhuman or Inhumane?

The news is filled with the use of these terms, and sometimes they are mis-used. Honestly, would you rather be “inhuman” or “inhumane”?

Inhuman is more dastardly than inhumane. One who is “inhuman” is cruel beyond the scope of being a human being. Whacking a mole over the head several times to kill it would be considered inhuman behavior.

If you are “inhumane”, you are being accused of being unsympathetic, lacking the ability to be compassionate or kind (much like many human beings). Telling a mole’s offspring that you just whacked their parent would be inhumane.

See the difference? Now stop whacking that poor mole!

“Adult Child” is an Oxymoron

No, I’m not dissing my “grownup children” (another oxymoron); I’m ranting about the lack of an appropriate word. The English language apparently has no word to designate an offspring who has become an adult. Can anyone… anyone… PU-LEEZE… come up with a good word?

Children do grow up (at least in height and age). They don’t remain children forever. I personally dislike the word kid, which my mother eschewed as meaning “goat child”. At least kid is better than the alternatives. Words like progeny, heir, descendant sound a bit pretentious with over-expectations.

My suggestions (and certainly you can do better):

kidoffspring  (kid and offspring)
kideir (kid and heir, get it?)
grownperson (lacks the family connection)
young adult child (kinda long and reflects the “child” thing)
growki (grown kid, but it’s closer)
*pretendependent (tongue-in-cheek “pretend independent” for 18-plus-kids who return home)
*chult (this one comes closest, marrying “child” and “adult”)

*these last two came from the online Urban Dictionary.

Myriad Questions or a Myriad of Questions

How do you use the word “myriad”? As a noun or an adjective? The snobby grammarian purists (and poets) insist on using it as an adjective; as in: They ask myriad questions. or Myriad participants attended the conference.

Then there are the pure grammarians — my kind of anarchy grammarians who use language to suit them. They readily accept: They ask a myriad of questions. or A myriad of participants attended the conference.

What’s right? you ask, forgetting that we anarchists do not recognize the words right and wrong. Here’s another opportunity to make your choice the prime factor. Which do you like best?  Until the 1800s, myriad was used in English as a noun. Then along came a poet named Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

Now you can blame the confusion on Coleridge and his “Hymn to the Earth,” in which he included the lines:

O Earth! the throe of thy self-retention:
Inly thou strovest to flee, and didst seek thyself at thy centre!
Mightier far was the joy of thy sudden resilience; and forthwith
Myriad myriads of lives teem’d forth from the mighty embracement.

 So now it’s up to you. Both uses are acceptable. But you wouldn’t stoop to playing the snooty card… would you? Or do thou strovest to flee?

We be; you be; all us folks be;

How come “to be” doesn’t act like a verb? It is probably the most used (and overused) verb in the English language — in its myriad forms: is, are, am, were, was, have been. With a verb like “to run”, we can cover the gamut: I run, you run, we run, etc. But not the verb “to be”. Grrrr!

Please avoid trying to push this round verb into a square sentence. It’s okay to write:

“I want to be a star.”
or “To be a star takes work.”
or ”You need talent to be a star.”

It is NOT okay to use this poor little rich verb in the following manner:

“When you’re a star, be it now or in two weeks…”
or “You are special, if you be understanding that.”
or “ When you be a star, you’ll know fame and fortune.”

Any writer who wants to become a star must understand the fine point usage notes concerning the verb “to be”. Got it?

What Do You Get “For Free”?

Where on earth did the idea come that you receive some things for free, rather than just free? You hear it on the media, even see it in print. Why use that preposition (for) when “free” is an upstanding, stable, reliable adjective or adverb? Free means “uncontrolled, without cost, unchained, unfettered”, and other such synonyms.

Of course there will be those who believe for free refers to the “without cost or charge” definition. Believe with me that extra words clutter up good writing, and offer your book “free” for three weeks, or offer a gift “free with purchase”, or offer your services “free to the first ten customers”.

Sloppy writers overuse prepositions. More cases in point (also in italics): “Jill tumbled down from the hill.” “Where should she have gone to?” “All of the king's men... ”, "Maizy set the plate down on the table.” “The plate fell off of the table.” And my least most awful unnecessary usage example: “These writers don’t know where it’s at.” (Boo! Hiss!)

Save Our Prepositions. Don’t overuse them!

Why Don’t You Believe Me?

Incredible! Unbelievable! I can’t believe it’s not true. Notice how these words are used.

1. He had an incredible body.
2. She was unbelievably gorgeous.
3. I can’t believe how cold it is.
4. Did that success you mentioned actually happen?
5. I am really happy for you.

Number 1 says “This guy had a body that no one would believe.” (Only a Schwartnegger could have that.)
Number 2 shows the woman as more gorgeous than anyone could comprehend. (Nobody can be that gorgeous.)
Number 3 shows your level of mentality, that you can’t believe 10-degrees below is cold. (Brrr! dammit!)
Number 4 questions your veracity. (“Are you lying?”)
Number 5 is a sarcastic way to say, “I may not look happy for you, but I am.” (Honestly, would I kid you?)

How often do you stretch belief with these words? Credible means “able to be believed”. Believable means “convincing or realistic”. Actually refers to “the truth or facts of a situation”. Really is another way to say that something is real, as opposed to a figment of the imagination. I find that many people use “really” as a way to say “but” (not so!) in order to cover up their disbelief that the speaker thinks something is so (I really like that color on you — but…). Ah, you remember that “but” generally negates anything that precedes it.