Where’s the Camera?

I’m here, Mr. Demille, for my closeups! The Anarachist's Guide to Grammar is receiving great reviews and more notice than I expected. However much I am proud of this book — the best grammar book you’ll ever need — I wasn’t that sure that anyone was reading much grammar lately.

The U.S. language is different from all those other “Englisher” languages out there.  Don’t even call it “American” (There are too many other Americans — everyone from Canadian through Mexican and Guatamalan to Argentinian and Chilean). We’re special!

If we take pride in our country, we ought also to pride ourselves on our language. Yes, it’s different.
It’s free, it’s flexible, it’s original, it’s creative. But most of all it belongs to the U.S. and the U.S. alone! Don’t ever forget that.

Show your pride in your respect for all things grammary!

Misplacing “Either”

“I tend to lose either my keys or my glasses” indicates a tendency to lose things. This sentence has one verb (lose) and two objects (keys and glasses)

“I tend to either lose my keys or my glasses or misplace them” indicates a tendency to sometimes lose things or sometimes misplace them. This sentence has two verbs (lose and misplace) and one object (them).

Here is an example of the need to know your verb from your object. Notice where the adjective either is placed (before the verb or before the object(s)). Got it?

Inhuman or Inhumane?

The news is filled with the use of these terms, and sometimes they are mis-used. Honestly, would you rather be “inhuman” or “inhumane”?

Inhuman is more dastardly than inhumane. One who is “inhuman” is cruel beyond the scope of being a human being. Whacking a mole over the head several times to kill it would be considered inhuman behavior.

If you are “inhumane”, you are being accused of being unsympathetic, lacking the ability to be compassionate or kind (much like many human beings). Telling a mole’s offspring that you just whacked their parent would be inhumane.

See the difference? Now stop whacking that poor mole!

“Adult Child” is an Oxymoron

No, I’m not dissing my “grownup children” (another oxymoron); I’m ranting about the lack of an appropriate word. The English language apparently has no word to designate an offspring who has become an adult. Can anyone… anyone… PU-LEEZE… come up with a good word?

Children do grow up (at least in height and age). They don’t remain children forever. I personally dislike the word kid, which my mother eschewed as meaning “goat child”. At least kid is better than the alternatives. Words like progeny, heir, descendant sound a bit pretentious with over-expectations.

My suggestions (and certainly you can do better):

kidoffspring  (kid and offspring)
kideir (kid and heir, get it?)
grownperson (lacks the family connection)
young adult child (kinda long and reflects the “child” thing)
growki (grown kid, but it’s closer)
*pretendependent (tongue-in-cheek “pretend independent” for 18-plus-kids who return home)
*chult (this one comes closest, marrying “child” and “adult”)

*these last two came from the online Urban Dictionary.

Myriad Questions or a Myriad of Questions

How do you use the word “myriad”? As a noun or an adjective? The snobby grammarian purists (and poets) insist on using it as an adjective; as in: They ask myriad questions. or Myriad participants attended the conference.

Then there are the pure grammarians — my kind of anarchy grammarians who use language to suit them. They readily accept: They ask a myriad of questions. or A myriad of participants attended the conference.

What’s right? you ask, forgetting that we anarchists do not recognize the words right and wrong. Here’s another opportunity to make your choice the prime factor. Which do you like best?  Until the 1800s, myriad was used in English as a noun. Then along came a poet named Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

Now you can blame the confusion on Coleridge and his “Hymn to the Earth,” in which he included the lines:

O Earth! the throe of thy self-retention:
Inly thou strovest to flee, and didst seek thyself at thy centre!
Mightier far was the joy of thy sudden resilience; and forthwith
Myriad myriads of lives teem’d forth from the mighty embracement.

 So now it’s up to you. Both uses are acceptable. But you wouldn’t stoop to playing the snooty card… would you? Or do thou strovest to flee?

We be; you be; all us folks be;

How come “to be” doesn’t act like a verb? It is probably the most used (and overused) verb in the English language — in its myriad forms: is, are, am, were, was, have been. With a verb like “to run”, we can cover the gamut: I run, you run, we run, etc. But not the verb “to be”. Grrrr!

Please avoid trying to push this round verb into a square sentence. It’s okay to write:

“I want to be a star.”
or “To be a star takes work.”
or ”You need talent to be a star.”

It is NOT okay to use this poor little rich verb in the following manner:

“When you’re a star, be it now or in two weeks…”
or “You are special, if you be understanding that.”
or “ When you be a star, you’ll know fame and fortune.”

Any writer who wants to become a star must understand the fine point usage notes concerning the verb “to be”. Got it?

What Do You Get “For Free”?

Where on earth did the idea come that you receive some things for free, rather than just free? You hear it on the media, even see it in print. Why use that preposition (for) when “free” is an upstanding, stable, reliable adjective or adverb? Free means “uncontrolled, without cost, unchained, unfettered”, and other such synonyms.

Of course there will be those who believe for free refers to the “without cost or charge” definition. Believe with me that extra words clutter up good writing, and offer your book “free” for three weeks, or offer a gift “free with purchase”, or offer your services “free to the first ten customers”.

Sloppy writers overuse prepositions. More cases in point (also in italics): “Jill tumbled down from the hill.” “Where should she have gone to?” “All of the king's men... ”, "Maizy set the plate down on the table.” “The plate fell off of the table.” And my least most awful unnecessary usage example: “These writers don’t know where it’s at.” (Boo! Hiss!)

Save Our Prepositions. Don’t overuse them!

Why Don’t You Believe Me?

Incredible! Unbelievable! I can’t believe it’s not true. Notice how these words are used.

1. He had an incredible body.
2. She was unbelievably gorgeous.
3. I can’t believe how cold it is.
4. Did that success you mentioned actually happen?
5. I am really happy for you.

Number 1 says “This guy had a body that no one would believe.” (Only a Schwartnegger could have that.)
Number 2 shows the woman as more gorgeous than anyone could comprehend. (Nobody can be that gorgeous.)
Number 3 shows your level of mentality, that you can’t believe 10-degrees below is cold. (Brrr! dammit!)
Number 4 questions your veracity. (“Are you lying?”)
Number 5 is a sarcastic way to say, “I may not look happy for you, but I am.” (Honestly, would I kid you?)

How often do you stretch belief with these words? Credible means “able to be believed”. Believable means “convincing or realistic”. Actually refers to “the truth or facts of a situation”. Really is another way to say that something is real, as opposed to a figment of the imagination. I find that many people use “really” as a way to say “but” (not so!) in order to cover up their disbelief that the speaker thinks something is so (I really like that color on you — but…). Ah, you remember that “but” generally negates anything that precedes it.

Quote-Contents-Unquote

When do you use quotation marks, how many, and where? Forget the “rules” you were fed in school. Many options are available to suit the inventive writer.

Standard/Normal/Ho-hum maybe:
Double quote-dialog-double unquote — “What do you mean, choice?” you ask. (New paragraph) “You have options,” I say.

Standard/Normal/Ho-hum quote within a quote — “Someone will tell you ‘Listen to me,’ and you have to listen.’’

Standard/Normal/Ho-hum quote that is not dialog — The word you want is “choice”. (punctuation outside the mark) 

British/Normal/Ho-hum:
Single quote-dialog-single unquote — ‘You Brits do it this way.’ (New paragraph) ‘Yes. Neah, neah, neah, U.S.’

Creative:
Eliminate quotation marks — What do you mean, choice? I'm suggesting options to you.

Creative:
(You decide how to handle dialog quotations. I’m waiting to hear your ideas.)

With E or Without

How do you spell — acknowledg ment? or judg ment? Do you stick an E in there to make the words: acknowledgement and judgement?

Uh-uh! That’s a dead giveaway that you’re with “them” (the Brits).

If you’re a true U.S.-er,  omit the E. Otherwise the Grammar Anarchist will be after you.