Don’t Bug Me!

Today I’m in Pronunciation Rant Mode. How often I hear the plural of “process” pronounced “process-eez”, much like the plural of “oasis” is pronounced “oas-eez” and plural “basis” is “bas-eez”. Sounds classy, doesn’t it? Unless you know the plural of “process” is pronounced like “dresses”: “process-ez”. Stop bugging me!

Right and Wrong (Uh-uh!)

Words that I hate: correct, proper, right, true, good — and all their opposites. These are judgment words that imply that something could be “right” or “wrong”. An anarchist’s query: who says? Who is the great adjudicator who knows what is correct or incorrect, proper or improper, right and true and good or wrong and false and bad? “WHO?” I ask! If you use these words, you’d best know the answer.

Good, Bad, or Healthy

GA: “How are you?”
Friend: “I’m good. And you?”
GA: “I’m well — and good too.”
So goes the Grammar Anarchist’s discourse with people who proclaim their goodness (moral behavior) when I inquire about their health. When I’m good, I’m very very good; and when I’m well, I feel even better. I may even be good and well, which is good-er.

Did the crowd float?

When I read: “The concert attracted a crowd of over 500 music lovers...” I visualized all those people floating above the string section, smiling, eyes closed, listening. Wake up, Reporter! There were “more than 500” in that crowd. Over indicates direction, “on top of”. More than counts the people. At least in my Style Manual.

QUESTION: Why do you place punctuation outside quote marks sometimes and not others?

ANSWER: I have chosen to place punctuation inside the quotation marks that signify dialog and outside the quotation marks that do not.
Example: “The ghost is standing behind you,” she said. “Eek!” he shouted.
Example: Don’t you consider the feelings of the “ghost”? Ghosts are defined as “spirits”.

QUESTION: When should I use full words instead of contractions?

ANSWER: Of course it’s up to you, but my general guideline is to consider your reader. If you’re writing a report to the board of directors or your boss, a thesis to be presented to a professor, a request delivered to the city council... or other pieces you consider “formal”, do not contract.

For “informal” writing, as in fictional stories, notes, memos, or blogs, contract away. Incidentally, that choice, applied to dialog, can distinguish one speaker (who uses contractions) from another (who eschews them). See how choice works?

Speaking of Numbers

Writing dates can be tricky. My choices:

No comma when using month and year: July 2011
No ordinals (st, nd, rd, th) when using day, month, and year: She turned 20 on July 18, 2011.
Use ordinals  when using only the day: “My birthday is on the 24th.”

RULE: Numbers 1-10 are spelled out; 11 on up are not

See? That isn't a “rule”, it’s an opinion, a choice. Some claim to spell out numbers “ten and above”. Most fiction writers are told to spell out every number. I ask: even eleventy trillion? My Style Manual choices: use numerals for measurements (miles, feet, inches, dates). In fiction, write out round numbers up to 100 (forty),  switch to numerals for specific amounts (75). I do like to spell out three million, but I’ll use figures for $3 million. See? It depends on your preference — and what you're writing.

So I challenged my friend, “Name a ‘rule’!”

“Of course we have rules,” my friend told me.
“Uh-uh,” I shook my head. “A real rule does not have exceptions.”
“What about: ‘I before E except after... ’ oh yeah! Now I get it!”

How often must I lissen...

How often must I listen to the “t” pronounced instead of softened? In case you didn't get it, the “t” in the italicized words is NOT pronounced. Lissen, the “t” is soffened in words such as offen! How long before we change the spelling to comply?

You went to the movies too?

Remember the old joke:

Child to parent: “Me and him went to the movies.”
Parent to child: “I believe that he and I went to the movies.”
Child to parent: “Oh, you went to the movies too?” 

Where has the courtesy gone? What happened to putting others first? Why can’t we learn to respect each other? Please don't use “me and... (pronoun)” in my presence. Things could get heated!

You Can Lead a Horse, But Not a Grammar Slob

We read about them all the time; I read about one yesterday. “You can lead a horse to water...” and the horse has been led — not “lead”. The past tense of lead (the verb) is “led”. Think of it this way: lead, the present tense verb (pronounced like “feed”) is what you do with a horse. Lead, the noun (pronounced like “bed”) is the heavy metal. Oh, you want a “rule”? Not here! Fool around with the pronunciation of words such as head, heed, mead, dead, speed, wed, weed, keyed, bead, creed, deed... see the problem?

An Anarchhist Need Not Be a Terrorist

My newspaper article today linked “anarchism” with terrorism and violence. Please know that the Grammar Anarchist is a gentle soul who loves words and honors the language of the U.S. My anarchism is directed at those stuffy grammarians who pretend to have “rules” that must be followed. Ah, but there are so many sets of “rules”. My mission is to encourage writers to look at them, then decide for yourself which to follow. The Grammar Anarchist proclaims: Down with “rules”; Hooray for guidelines!

Have you met my husband, Max?

Can you tell from that question how many husbands I have? Neither can some contentious linguistics profs. Some claim the comma identifies my one-and-only. Others say “No!”;  their “rule” clearly shows the comma indicates I have more than one hubbie, and Max is only one of them. Which do you choose?

What’s the rule about “none was” or “none were”?

"Rule"??? Puleez don’t use that word with me! Some linguist pronounced grandly a “rule” that none must be treated as singular: “none is...”. Then along came another linguist who said, “No, none can be either singular or plural.” Once again the GA says, “Record your guideline and use it as you deem appropriate.” None of her children were boys. (Plural) OR: None of her daughter’s whims was reasonable. (Singular)

What's an Oxymoron?

No, it’s not a stupid oxy! It’s a figure of speech combining two terms that contradict each other. Things like: good war, original copy, jumbo shrimp, permanent substitute, deafening silence, restless peace. What oxymoron have you tripped across lately?

What the *%#)#! is a R-U-L-E?

A rule is close to a law in that it cannot be altered. An honest rule has no exceptions. Imagine the rules of baseball if they were flexible: three strikes, you're out (except...); you're tagged stealing a base, you're out (except...); a caught fly is an automatic out (except...)! An honest grammar anarchist refuses to talk about "rules" when discussing U.S. language.

What? Oxford Changes the “Rules”?

Excuse me while I gloat! Did I not tell you to ignore those grammar “rules” that others foist on you? Did I not tell you to eschew printed style manuals and create your own? Just look what has happened. Illustrious Oxford University has changed its tune about the English language…again, this time disagreeing with the esteemed Associated Press and the Queen’s English Society! “Use a comma before the “and” in a series of three or more,” says Oxford when it previously “ruled” to omit it. 

“No! No! No! You don't need that comma,” say the Chicago Style Manual and the U.S. Government Printing Office. Imagine! No consensus among British grammarians! Didn’t I tell you this is why we fought the Revolutionary War? Write your own damn style manual, I say.

Rejoice in Independence

That's what anarchy is all about: making your own rules. Didn't we in the U.S. do that in the 1700s? Writers still are free to choose their own rules. The anarchists of the 1700s made sure we have that freedom. Hail Anarchy!

Celebrate Independence Day

To celebrate the United States' Independence from England, join the grammar anarchist in sending up rockets. And if you declare, "God bless America", know you are asking for blessings on all of the Americas -- Canada, Mexico, Columbia, Guatemala, Uruguay, Brazil, Chile... and all the others. We aren't the only Americans, you know!

To Cap or Not To Cap (after a colon)?

Don't expect a "rule"! There are many, but they don't all agree. If you feel what follows a colon is simply a list or series of things, don't bother with caps. If you prefer to capitalize the first word of a sentence that follows a colon, do it. That's what grammar anarchy is all about. YOU choose. Don't forget to record your choice in Your Style Manual.