That Pronoun Thing — Again!

Yes, it’s all true. That pronoun thing is getting worse. Not only do I find speakers and writers putting themselves first in multiple groups (me and her, me and him, me and them), but… oh the pain! Here’s what ruffles my poor aching eyes and ears:

John and I’s house is for sale.
Her’s and mine’s anniversary is tomorrow.
It’s celebration will be simple.
Don’t tell me that their’s and our’s spelling is wrong.

Well, guess what? It is! Those sentences include apostrophes that have invaded the Pronoun Patch.  What’s almost as bad, the pronouns have been mis-used, abused, rattled, scrambled, and out of whack. Here's what those sentences should look and sound like:

John’s and my house is for sale. (Our house is for sale would do.)
Her and my anniversary is tomorrow. (Awkward, but better. Our anniversary is tomorrow / much better.)
Its celebration will be simple. (See? No apostrophe at all!)
Don’t tell me that their and our spelling is wrong. (Again, awkward, but better. Don’t tell me that all our spelling is wrong / much better.)

Pay attention now:

There are no apostrophes in possessive pronouns: yours, ours, theirs, mine, his, hers, its. 

Please write that in big 72-point font and paste it across your refrigerator, pen, pencil, computer keyboard, nose, and mirror. No apostrophes pu-leez!

Jonesing the Joneses on Apostrophe Day

When you have a name that ends in “s” (like Jones), and you want to write that it owns something, use the apostrophe-s: Mike Jones’ new book. And when you want to show the whole Jones family as owning something, you have a choice: 1) add apostrophe-s to all the Joneses (plural) — as in Joneses’s — or 2) simply add the apostrophe (Joneses’). I like the simple things in life.

What to do with a name that ends in two esses? Now there’s a problem! Or is it? Same advice as above:

The iPad belonging to Tess is Tess’s iPad.
or The iPad belonging to Tess is Tess’ iPad. 

 If you’re talking about the entire John Tess family car, you may get hissed to pieces… or not. Try:  

The Tesses’ family car. Simple and sweet.
The Tesses’s family car. Not incorrect, but it hisses so!

Just don’t call it the Tess guyses’ car!