QUESTION: What is the Official National Language of the USA? ANSWER: None!

 Most worldwide citizens can answer that quite easily. They have only a couple of languages to choose from. Now — you in the great United States of America — do you know your Official National Language? The answer: NONE!

Did your heart drop as mine did when learning that? This powerful country, the only major country in the world to welcome all languages, the only one to mix many languages with an English base, the only country that does NOT recognize the uniqueness of its linguistics — the only one listed as NONE. What a shameful omission!

In order to fulfill that missing piece, I am petitioning the folks who administer the federal government to issue a proclamation (at the very least) to recognize USA-English as the Official National Language. Here’s how that petition reads:

Respectfully asking the United States Congress to designate USA-English as the Official Language of the United States, acknowledging the nation’s unique multi-cultural population with varied ways to write and speak a language based on English. No other nation can make this claim, and yet the USA is the only major nation without a designated official language.

Here’s the whole story:

CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT to make USA-English, with its inclusive languages from around the world, flexible to teach and learn, the official free language of the United States of America.

WHEREAS: The United States of America, a powerful international leader, has no designated official language;

WHEREAS: Widespread confusion exists over the “rules” of grammar that should be taught to USA students;

WHEREAS: The United States of America fought and won a war to be free of control from England, resulting in changes made to the language to suit the needs of a new nation, free and independent;

WHEREAS: The USA is the only nation in the world composed of immigrants from around the world, who bring with them their native culture: foods, music, rituals, art, customs, and language;

WHEREAS: USA is weary of having British English (The King’s/Queen’s English) foisted on its people as “proper, correct, accurate, and suitable”;

WHEREAS: U.S. teachers are not being trained to teach grammar — any kind at all — because of the contradictions in grammar texts;

WHEREAS: The USA has developed its own style of English that includes words and syntax of every other major language in the world (and a few not-so-major);

THEREFORE: The time has arrived to offer teachers and students of the United States an official language that provides guidelines for global usage, flexible word adaptation, freedom to make appropriate changes, and the right to be free of complex, outdated “rules” based on the language of England, from whom we claimed our independence.

 If you feel so moved, please join me in forwarding this blog to your Congressional representatives (House and Senate), to the President of the United States, and to any linguistics organization you know.

Righting a Wrong!

The daily newspaper quiz today asked for the “official” languages of a number of countries: from Egypt and Iran to Iceland and Pakistan. I wasn’t stumped when it came to “United States” because — as any red-blooded American knows — we speak and write English. So I was amazed to read the answers: Egypt, Arabic; Iran, Persian (Farsi); Iceland, Icelandic (duh!); and Pakistan, Urdu. 

And what is the official language of the United States? Answer: “None”! NONE! We have no official language in the U.S. What’s worse is that we are the ONLY country in the world without one! Alas and alack! Woe and misery! The most powerful nation in the world has no language (officially)!

So let’s fix that. Right here! Right now! The Grammar Anarchist declares publicly and loudly that the Official Language of the United States is… (drum roll)… USA-English. Other “English-speaking” countries use the hyphen-English language as theirs, officially. Why not the USA? You’ve heard of Canadian-English (eh?) and Australian-English (g-day!) even Indian-English (what-ho!). Well, beginning today — NOW:

THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE

OF THE UNITED STATES IS

HERE AND FOREVERMORE

KNOWN AS USA-ENGLISH!

At last! Aaaahhhh!

Temp-er, Temp-er, Temp-er!

Okay, I realize I’ve offered spelling advice that says, “Look to the root word when seeking better spelling.” But I have also suggested that you can ignore some advice that was absorbed as “rule”. And temp is one of them. This scruffy little root word has a variety of meanings. My dictionary (American Heritage, 4th Edition) lists more than two dozen words beginning with “t-e-m-p…” and a variety of meanings running from temper to temporary.

The etymology of this root is fascinating, but I won’t bore you with it. Know that t-e-m-p has been mished and mashed and put through a wringer over the centuries in order to produce quite a variety of uses in U.S.-English.

Most of the temp words refer to a root meaning of “time” or “mix” or “mingle”. Go figure! Here are a few of the differences:

A plain old temp can be that outsider who comes into your office “temporarily” to work on the books in your department.

A temper is “the tantrum” you throw when you weren’t asked to help.

That was when you were asked to temper your temper, “to moderate” it.

Temperament or temperamentally is “the way you handle” that temper.

Temperance goes further and asks you to knock it off completely, to “restrain” yourself.

When the office temperature rises, sometimes tempers also “get hot”.

Not wanting a tempest of “violent behavior of tornado proportions” to upset the office, your HR psychologist would likely suggest you temper your temper and avoid a tempest in a teapot with a well-tempered clavichord, with “tempered” music!

Remaining on an artsy level, tempera is a “mingling” of colors.

The temple in the Temple of Doom, on the other hand, draws meaning from sacred ground that was “divided” or “separated” (ironically meaning un-mixed) from ordinary ground. And from that, surprisingly, comes the meaning for the temple on either side of your eyes, originating from a Greek word meaning “vital spot”, as indicated by the Greek Vale of Tempe located between two important Greek mountains. (Classical Latin refers to that forehead area as the “temporal bone” or “temporal muscle”, protecting the precious vital eyes.)

No, I won’t miss some other t-e-m-p’s: as in Shirley Temple, Tempe AZ, or tempeh, an Indonesian dish made from fermented soybeans. Wonder where these t-e-m-p’s came from…

Ain’t language fun!

Well! Well! Well!

So now you know the difference between “well” and “well”! Ain’t grammar fun!

Thanks to Dan Piraro, my artist doppelganger, and BIZARRO!

Save the Earth—It's the Only Planet That Feeds Us

An author friend inquired about whether or not to capitalize the word “earth” when using it to refer to the planet, rather than to soil. While the planet is made up of soil, it gave me pause to consider the ramifications. As an editor and a citizen of Planet Earth and a concerned inhabitant of Mother Earth, I decided to capitalize the word as often as possible, using the lower case “e” only when referring to sod, soil, dust, or mud.

When I consulted my thesaurus, I found references under “earth” with a small “e”, only to soil. Under “Earth” with a capital “E”, were choices among: humankind, planet, and globe. Curious about the reference to “humankind”, I looked it up and found: human race, humanity, people, civilization. Now there’s a great metaphor! Earth means People, Humans, Us! We came from Earth (soil), or so it is said. We stay alive through Earth (soil) that grows food for us. We return to Earth (soil) when we finish living (“Earth to Earth, dust to dust”).

So tell me, understanding how interwoven we are with Earth, how dependent we are to the continued gifts from Earth, and as we watch civilization destroy the very ground we walk on — day by day… tell me why we cannot come to grips with the notion that it may all turn to dust and blow away soon, blowing us away with it at the same time?

We have discovered that people cannot be forced to be careful with Earth’s resources (water, air, soil), just as writers cannot be forced to capitalize that precious word: Earth.

However, I can ask writers to consider the importance of the deeper meaning of “Earth” every time they write it. Perhaps that will keep us around a few millennia… centuries… decades longer.

Mass Nouns and Uncountable Nouns, 0-boy!

Have you ever heard of Mass Nouns?

Don’t feel bad. Neither had I… until I came across the term in a comic strip the other day and realized I’d never heard of this before — in more than 50 years of tracking language. So I looked it up. (Where was Google when I was a kid?)

It seems that Mass Nouns refer to things that are uncountable or non-count words. No, not unable to be counted, but uncountable (there’s a difference). Try to attach numbers to words such as: advice, fog, dust, furniture, knowledge, milk, water, or wood.

Sure, you can

take a modicum of advice,

see a layer of fog or dust,

own a houseful of furniture,

acquire a font of knowledge, 

drink a glass of milk or water.

stoke the fire with two pieces of wood

But can you take two advices; see three fogs, six dusts, or own two furnitures; acquire ten knowledges; drink three milks or waters; or burn two woods?

Note that many Mass Nouns are abstracts — names of things that are unable to be sensed, in the broadest understanding of sense. And there is no “rule” to cover the usage of such curiosities. Which makes for a Grammar Anarchist’s delight — the exception: most Mass Nouns are generally used as singulars.

All of that said, I wouldn’t be a Grammar Anarchist if I didn’t add that some nouns are neither or both countable as well as uncountable. Whoa! Slow down here. Consider the following examples of these feisty, uncooperative, loner-type nouns:

Work is required to earn a living; the work I do is important; give me the works in my salad; have you read all thirty works of Toni Morrison?

Paper is made of wood pulp; an alien does not carry papers; some people read three papers a day; can you write a paper about China?

Air is necessary to breathe; don’t put on airs with me; can you name three airs about love?

Coffee peps me up; some drink five coffees a day; different blends of coffees taste better.

Don’t you love US-English!?

To Hiss or Not To Hiss…

If you want to appreciate your language, read the comics pages; I wouldn’t miss them! Most of the time I admire the way the writers use language — they love to play with words, which I particularly enjoy, especially the puns. As an editor, I am obsessed with editing printed text — and in doing so with the comic section recently, I came across the “hissing” problem. What caught my eye was the phrase “an historic event”.

What is the hissing problem? you may ask. This involves the decision to use the hissing sound when a word begins with the letter H, which results in deciding whether to use the article “a” or “an” to precede it. Some words starting with H make a sound; some don’t. Let me show you what I mean.

Repeat after me:

1) honestly, hour, heiress, hors d’oeuvre
2) history, hammer, humble, hymn, hundred
3) herb*

With the first row, you did not hiss; these are words with a silent H and use the article “an”.

In the second row, you hissed all over the place; each word begins with a pronounced H and is preceded with the article “a”.

When you reached the third row, you may have hesitated. “Herb” is one of those words that can be pronounced either way, depending on how erudite you wish to sound (or whose name you’re struggling with). Oh yes, many mispronounce the H-words, pretending to sound more learned. Others simply imply the sound by using “an” instead of “a”. Who would not say “an historic occasion”, sliding across the H? The reason is that it’s easier to pronounce. However, the written phrase appears correctly as “a historic occasion”. This conundrum dates back to the British days when the Cockney accent omitted all of the Hs that started words.

There is another letter that offers a similar problem: how to pronounce the U at the beginning of a word.

Listen as you pronounce these words:

1) united, utensil, unanimous, universal, usual
2) untie, umpire, ulterior, ugly, umbrella, utter

In the first row, you pronounced the words as if they begin with Y (the yoo or the eew-sound).

The words in the second row begin with an UH sound and utilize the article “an”.

Take care, not only with the way you pronounce words in spoken language, but the way you write words that have multiple pronunciations. And read the comics pages every day! Not only will it help with word usage, but you’ll stay young with laughter.

*Thanks to artist Dan Piraro, who draws the clever (and grammatical) Pizarro comic strip, for permission to use this comic that fell out of his talented pen the day after I originally posted this piece.

Have You Lost a Spelling Bee Lately?

So you have trouble spelling words correctly in U.S.-English! Don’t be surprised. The reason is simple. U.S.-English is comprised of every other language in the world. Yup! But you knew that. So why sweat it? F’rinstance: how do you spell that red sauce you spread on burgers? catsup, catchup, cetsup, ketsup, ketchup, katchup? Or the holy Muslim scripture? Quran, Koran, Curan, Coran, Quran, Quoran, Qu’ran? Answer below.

Here are four ways to simplify the problem: (NOTE: I didn’t say “solve”!)

1. Dig out the roots. Find parts of a word that are like other words with similar meanings. You’ll never misspell “medicinal” again, as long as you remember how to spell “medicine”. Or “decadent” if you remember how to spell “decade”.
2. The Prefix-Suffix Method. This system removes the plight of double letters. If the prefix ends in the same letter that the root word begins, add them together (1+1) and get double letters (un-necessary, ac-commodate, im-mediate, mis-spell). Doubling in not needed if those connecting letters are different (disappear, renovation, ineligible, recommend). The same formula works with the suffix (common-ness, logical-ly, final-ly, grand-ness, grand-ly, like-ly).
3. Pronounce words correctly. But BEWARE the Homonyms (words that sound alike but are spelled differently). These include there/they're/their and pair/pare/pear and fair/fare and bear/bare. In some parts of the country, another evil lurks. These words may sound alike: tar/tear/tire or fare/fear/for/fair/far. We had a President who pronounced “government” in two syllables, as “gub-ment”; and another who insisted on saying “nuc-u-lar” instead of “nu-clear”. And scores of people sell their homes through “real-a-tors” rather than “real-tors”.
4. Lose a spelling bee! (You’ll never forget your last word.) Or paste this quote from Thomas Edison: “It’s a damn poor mind that can spell a word only one way.” Because many words are translated from other languages, spelling becomes curious. Do you spell dialog, monolog, catalog with the added “ue” (dialogue, monologue, catalogue) or not? Here’s the antidote: make a list your problem words, look them up in a current dictionary, and record the preferred spelling (yes, many of those words have alternate spellings).

ANSWER to questions in first paragraph: the choice is yours. Just be consistent in using it.

NOTE TO WRITERS who depend on spell-check systems: DON’T!

Sexism is Alive

Let me rant a bit about the words we use to describe people. In particular, female people and male people. Notice how often you’ll find the following identification of a man:

John Smith, a handsome father of three and grandfather of two, looked appealing, his thinning gray hair and opulent mustache showing off his sparkling blue eyes. He wore a slate gray wool suit with solid blue tie, a matching handkerchief in the pocket, and appeared slightly nervous as he addressed his adoring audience.

Or the following identification of a woman:

Joanna Smith, a skilled cardiac surgeon (lawyer, stockbroker, economist, author, actor, drummer), strode confidently onto the stage and spoke directly to the crowd of 300 amassed to hear her speech. Dr. Smith’s discovery of less invasive heart surgery techniques will save many lives in the future.

While these depictions are slightly stretched, the reality is that a man is described by his status and accomplishments while a woman is described by her appearance, in detail, with notations of offspring.

If you don’t believe that sexist discrimination is still alive, do an Internet search for the “leading women sportscasters”. You’ll find a group of photogenic young women, mostly blonds, exposing decolletage that reaches halfway to their toes.  Now do a search for male sportscasters (or even just sportscasters) and you find lists of men with depictions of their journalism backgrounds and/or sports connections — and no photographs.

Oh, didn't I mention it? Almost all of those photogenic blonds listed their sports experience as “cheerleader”.

What Attracts You to People?

That’s the question posed in a recent survey among people of all ages, genders, sizes, races, and places in life:

What is it about someone that makes you want to know them better, do business with them, date them…

The first three answers are interesting. But it’s the third one that fascinates me the most — and should interest you too.

First answer: a SMILE.

“When someone has a sincere smile, I’m attracted.”
“I consider a sweet smile worth a pile of gold.”
“A beautiful smile reflects a beautiful soul, a positive thinker, someone like me.” 

Second answer: a TWINKLE in the eyes.

“I love to see twinkling eyes; that says a person is alive and well inside.”
“The eyes give you away. A twinkle can’t be phoney.”
“If I see a twinkle in his eye, I know this guy is excited about life and maybe me.”

Ah, my friends, now comes the third answer. (Pause to take deep breath!)

Number 3: good GRAMMAR! You betcha!

“When somebody uses a double negative, I flinch. Doesn’t she care about the way she sounds?”
“Oh, I have so many peeves about bad grammar, but the worst is between you and I — like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard.”
“Bad grammar screams uneducated, sloppy, messy, dumb!”

Whether you come across bad grammar in speaking or in writing, how do you feel about the person behind the words?

Want to know my unfavorite faux pas that exposes a careless word user? I see it often in emails, which I usually disregard because the writer is moving fast. But still, wouldn’t they think enough of themselves to capitalize their own pronoun — “I”?

Okay, so English is the only language that capitalizes the word; but not capitalizing it sends a message — to many like me — that you don’t care enough about yourself to capitalize “I”. Chew on that tidbit for a moment.

Grammar reflects your personality, your brain traits, and your self respect. Be careful how you use it!