However you say it…

Even a grammar anarchist enjoys a holiday respite. 
To keep you thinking for a while, here is my message:
 

Natale hilare et Annum Faustum!,

     Joyeux Noel

Froehliche Weihnachten

     Feliz Navidad

Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto

     Feliz Natal

Buone Feste Natalizie

     Nadolig Llawen

Glædelig Jul

     Nollaig Shona Dhuit

Zorionak eta Urte Berri On!

     God Jul or Gledelig Jul

Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah

     Merry Keshmish

Mele Kalikimaka

     Gajan Kristnaskon

and if you didn’t find your language:

MERRY  C H R I S T M A S  

and

  HAPPY,   P R O S P E R O U S

N  E  W     Y  E  A  R!

Beware What You Call “Good English”

Listen to the oft-quoted British playwright, William Shakespeare, who noticed half a millennium ago, “Good English writers cannot be understood today.”

As if to prove the Bard right (two centuries before he was born), Thomas Hoceleve commented about something written by Chaucer,

Ye knowe eek, that in forme of speche is chaunge
Withinne a thousand yeer, and wordes tho
That hadden prys, now wonder nyce and straunge
Us thinketh hem; 

Lest you don't read “English”, he's saying, that speech changes every thousand years or so, and words, although they contain hidden human traits that once sounded nice and strong, become misunderstood. Language changes. Get used to it!

Upper Case Respect

Nouns are things; some nouns are more important than others — they’re called “proper nouns”. Proper Nouns receive capital letters, to increase their importance. Kathleen Parker, in a recent column in the Washington Post, called it “Upper Case Respect” — a term that describes the guideline very well. Which nouns deserve your Upper Case Respect are your decisions. Ain’t grammar fun!

Those Cunning Brits!

Imagine a language that uses single quote marks in dialog; spells color with a “u”; imagine a language that calls an elevator a “lift”; imagine a language that uses commas at random; and imagine a language that won't use the language of its own (Shakespeare)! That’s British English. Says Shakespeare: ‘Beware what you call good English.’ This from a man whose followers cannot decide how to spell his name (Shakespear, Shakspere, Shakespere...). Still, Old Bill often used “they” rather than insert the awkward “his/her” into his plays.

I’m ranting today about the British take-back of the United States. It’s happening quietly, slowly, insidiously, but it’s happening. Look around. Those wily Brits set up romantic alliances (think Diana and Prince Charles, Kate and Prince William, even Albert and Queen Victoria) to woo our sentimental hearts. In recent years, they also have stepped up “royal visits” to the U.S. (ostensibly to check up on Canada, but... well, you know!). The queen knows how in thrall we seem to be with everything British.

As for taking over our movie and entertainment industry, just look at the British thespians who have stolen our Oscars: Kate Winslet, Judy Dench, Julie Andrews, the Redgrave family (father, daughters, and progeny), Helen Mirren, Vivien Leigh, Alec Guinness, Laurence Olivier, Daniel Day-Lewis, Rex Harrison, Peter Ustinov, Michael Caine, culminating in the 2011 deluge of Christian Bale and everybody in and around “The King’s Speech” (about a British regent); and the musicians: Andrew Lloyd-Webber, Elton John, The Rolling Stones, David Bowie, Sting, and the Beatles; and comedians, Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry, Stephanie Cole, Rowan Atkinson, Peter Sellers, John Cleese, Benny Hill, and Molly Sugden. To think it all started with Charlie Chaplin (a Brit)!

They’re even invading our food chain: replacing our favorite coffee with tea, teasing us with scones, beef Wellington, chutney, biscuits, and crisps (good heavens, crisps are French fries!).

Don’t get it yet? The British are coming! The British are coming! Time to hunker down and claim (at least) our language for our own. Chant with me: Ban the Brits! Ban the Brits!

Those Muddled Brits!

Imagine a language that uses single quote marks in dialog; spells color with a “u”; imagine a language that calls an elevator a “lift”; imagine a language that uses commas at random; and imagine a language that won't use the language of its own (Shakespeare)! That’s British English. Says Shakespeare: ‘Beware what you call good English.’ This from a man whose followers cannot decide how to spell his name (Shakespear, Shakspere, Shakespere...).

I’m ranting today about the British take-back of the United States. It’s happening quietly, slowly, but it’s happening. Look around. Those wily Brits set up romantic alliances (think Diana and Prince Charles, Kate and Prince William, even Albert and Queen Victoria) to woe our sentimental hearts. They also have stepped up “royal visits” to the U.S. (ostensibly to check up on Canada, but... well, you know!).

As for taking over our movie and entertainment industry, just look at the British thespians who have stolen our Oscars: Judy Dench, the Redgrave family (father, daughters, and progeny), Helen Mirren, Michael Cain; and the musicians: Elton John and the Beattles; and comedians, Hugh Laurie and Stephen Frye, Benny Hill, and Molly Sug.

They’ve even invaded our food chain: replacing our favorite coffee with tea, teasing us with scones, beef Wellington, and crisps (My heavens, they’re French fries!).

Why follow British rules?

Think about it! The U.S. sent the Red Coats on their way long ago. Isn't it time to rise up and banish the British-English rules? Claim your own U.S. language that eschews “right and wrong” and replaces those strictures with “what works best”. The Grammar Anarchist replaces Rules with Choice; The Grammar Anarchist says: Look at what the parts of speech and punctuation Do! Are you with me?

The Idio Family

How do you keep separate the Idio family?

Only an idiot with an idiosyncrasy for idioms can answer that to suit the ideology cousin.

Idiot: not too bright.
Idiom: a natural way to speak with someone who knows the language.
Idiosyncrasy: quirk, passion, perhaps  obsession even.
And the cousin? Ideology claims “the ideal”.

More spelling conundrums

Yea or yeah (meaning “yes”); yea or yay (meaning “whoopee”). And what about yah? Guess that’s another “yes”). Whichever you choose, stick with it (consistency always wins).

How do you spell OK?

Interesting background to this term, sometimes spelled OK, sometimes O.K., and sometimes okay. Notice the joke that made the rounds in the 1830s: OK originally was meant to indicate “all correct” — the joke being that neither O nor K were the initials of the term. Whichever you decide to use, stay with it (be consistent).

Are you “beside” yourself?

Beside or besides? That is the question. Both are prepositions (but “besides” can also function as an adverb: She traveled to three countries besides France.)

As prepositions, beside means “next to” and besides means “in addition to”.
The guest sat beside the host; no once besides the guest had that honor.

Now consider: There was no one beside her in the room. (Was she alone or was no one next to her?)

We get comfortable using beside as an adverb at times. Boo hoo! Make a note in Your Style Manual and don’t worry about it again.

Do Not Fear The Dreaded Verbals

Did the word “verbals” scare you in school? Or do you even remember it? The subject of “verbals” drove me crazy until… the day I realized verbals were simply cross-dressing verbs with dumb names: gerund, infinitive, participle (yes, the dreaded p-word). Here’s the skinny.

A gerund is a verb that adds “ing” to its ensemble and becomes… voila!… a noun. (Playing with words is fun.)

The infinitive is a verb preceded by “to” that turns into… yep!… another noun. (To play with words is fun.)

The participle is the troublemaker. A participle is a verb that turns into an adjective. This one is dressed in “ed” or “ing” and is used to modify nouns and pronouns. (Adjective: The confused verb adds to grammar pandemonium.) (Adjective phrase: Confused with rules, writers scream and tear their hair.)

What about the “F” words?

We’re talking flounder and founder, flaunt and flout. Do you know their meanings?

As a noun, a flounder is a fish; as a verb, flounder means moving in a clumsy or confused way (much like that fish out of water). Flounder is often used as an alternative to founder, which is a verb meaning “to cave in, sink, collapse, stumble even”. Now compare them. If you’re floundering (confused) in your marriage, seek help from a counselor (there is hope); if you’re foundering (sinking) find a lawyer.

As for the verbs flaunt and flout, you have a choice, of sorts. Flaunt means “to show off” or (more linguistically) “to exhibit ostentatiously”. (The brainiac flaunted her brains.) You don't even have to add the adverb “shamelessly”; that is implied. Flout is what we anarchists do: “show contempt”. (The Grammar Anarchist flouts those British “rules”!) Because both words display chutzbuh, flaunt is often used to imply contempt.

Where do you hold your phone?

Did you know that the grammar part of your brain lies just about your left ear? That’s where the work is done in the realms of reading, writing, and speaking. Do you generally hold your phone to your left ear? Hmmmm!

The Almighty Comma

How much mischief can be caused by that little arc-with-a-tail? Where does the comma belong in the next few sentences (yes, you have choices)?

• I’m sorry it’s not loaded Rebecca.
• Don’t be too sure she didn’t know about that Susan.
• He wants to be a hit man.
• While I froze my wife in the next room called, “Who’s at the door dear?”
• Just as she was about to leave her husband walked in with theater tickets.

See what I mean?

Isn't there an apostrophe in Hallowe’en?

Where has common sense gone? The holiday is All Hallow’s Eve, or Hallowed Evening, or Hallowe’en (shortened version). How long are we supposed to follow the old English spelling “rules”? What do you call it?

Who will challenge The Anarchist?

I’m still looking for that irrefutable “rule” of U.S. grammar that will hold true for all use! Any challengers?

What time is it?

Time becomes more or less important depending on your place in life — except when you’re writing. Usually, especially with fiction, time can be established by verb tense (past, present, future). Choose one and set your scenes accordingly. But be careful. You’re writing in past tense, explaining what you did last summer, and you want to describe Paris. “Paris was a beautiful city,” you write. Unless the Eiffel Tower fell over or the Arc de Triomphe collapsed, Paris still “is” a beautiful city. Ain’t grammar fun!

Think You Know Grammar?

A synonym is a word to use when you can’t spell the word you really want. There are other “nyms” (meaning “names”). You probably know antonym, acronym, and homonym. but how about tautonym, eponym, and contronym? Get out your dictionary!

Everything You Know Is Wrong

Today we get philosophical. While the above is an interesting statement to contemplate, add two words: “Every... (but one) ...thing you know is wrong.” Where would you begin to look for the exception? In grammar, you would have to question everything until you find that one “right” thing. And I haven't found it yet!

Doin’ the Splits

In contemplation of the split infinitive: consider the basic verb form (to do, to laugh, to holler). When you stick other words in the middle, you split them: to constantly laugh, to loudly and obstreperously holler. Just don’t split them too wide open. Go ahead, do it. Only the clinically challenged purists will notice.

Worried about that exclamation point?

In the posting below, notice the last sentence: “Ain’t grammar fun!” Did you expect a question mark? Here’s one of those hints provided by punctuation. This is an exclamation, a rhetorical question (if you must) and not a question to be answered. In other words, “Grammar offers a heckuva good time!”

Who or Whom? Will or Shall?

Language adjusts to usage, history, and the people using it. Are you confused about who or whom? will or shall? Take a deep breath. Whom and shall are losing usage steam and soon may become obsolete (or at least seldom used). So relax, you who otherwise will worry. Ain’t grammar fun!

What "Kind" of Message?

Does the placement of a modifier make a difference? Try these sentences: 

Kindly leave your message at the tone.
Leave your message kindly at the tone.
Leave your kindly message at the tone.
Leave your message at the kindly tone.

Oh yes!

He talks slow; she speaks soft.

Whatever happened to adverbs, those things that mostly end in “ly”? In the above sentences, slow and soft modify the verbs (talks and speaks). Wouldn't a reasonably brain-endowed person accept that they are adverbs? Let him talk slowly and listen closely because she speaks softly!

Do you love me?

Maybe! or is that I may be?

The one-word maybe is either a modifying adverb (Maybe I love you), a modifying adjective (Love is a maybe thing), or a noun (That’s a definite maybe).

The two word may be is the verb “to be” aided by the adverb, may. The truth of the matter may be dependent on your kiss.

Pretty Good or Really Good?

Both of these “goods” are adjectives. Both are preceded by adverbs. (You’re right, one of them doesn’t end in ly.) Both “pretty” and “really” are misused... yes, misused! Abused! Treated bad-ly! Pretty means “good-looking”; really means “for real”. Why not stick with “very”?

Hardly, Barely, Scarcely

Each of these words is a negative. Please do not use them with other negatives.
He didn’t hardly have time to eat his dessert.
Improve that in either of two ways:
He didn’t have time to eat his dessert. OR
He hardly had time to eat his dessert.

Leaf the Falling Leafs Alone!

Good heavens! I read this on a blog about approaching autumn. Sounds almost poetic, BUT IT’S NOT! The first leaf actually is “leave” and the plural of autumn thingees is “leaves”. Who dares to write without command of the language?

Form Vs. Function

Maybe the reason you hate grammar so much is that you got bored learning the names of all those parts of speech. You may not know what a negative imperative adverbial interjection is. Yet you know what it does! We’re talking the simple “No!”

Money Don’t Buy Good Language

A question for young celebrities (musicians, rap stars, movie stars, and such): Why, when you’re earning bizillion bucks, do you think you have to use rotten language? Not the cuss words especially, but the double negatives, the backward pronouns, the mispronounced words, and their combinations. Aren’t you able to afford an education?

I Love Men; I Abhor “Man”

Why do we continue to assume everyone and everything to be male until proven otherwise? “Man” invented the wheel; “man” discovered fire; “mankind” gave us history; “mankind” destroyed the earth. All myth! If men actually were responsible for all that has gone before, who do you suppose birthed them, married them, gave them children (of both sexes)? If a man discovered fire, don’t you suppose he would be the one expected to hang out in the kitchen?

It is I? or It is me?

This is easy when you have my Handy Dandy Pronoun Guide. Think of subjects as the Do-er and objects as the Do-ee.  Because the pronoun “it” is the subject, what follows “is” comes from the Subject column. It is I (both “it” and “I” are subjects). “Me” is an object, sorry, Me!

Does a Villain Lie Low or Lay Low?

Lay and Lie have plagued us for years. When will we get it straight? Lay is the active verb that means “to place something, plop it down”; lie is what happens afterwards. The something just lies there, much as you lie motionless in bed. “Each night I lay my coins on the bureau before I lie down to sleep.”

The confusion — and it’s a major confusion — arrives with  the other version of “lay” (past tense of “lie”).  “Those damn coins lay (past tense of lie) there all night.” Who invented this idiotic language anyway?

“You can’t have it both ways.” Why not?

 I have been accused of talking from both sides of my blog, telling my followers to fight the “rules”, then quoting some for them. What I offer (obviously mistaken for “rules”) are basic functions — FUNCTIONS ­— of parts of speech and punctuation. Nouns and verbs and commas and all the rest have raison d’être – purpose, function, work to do. Rather than suggest “rules” to apply that function would be as futile as telling another anarchist how to take down an enemy. And the rule-abiders are not enemies; they are only misguided. My job as The Anarchist is to provide the guidance (in the form of guidelines) behind the basic function to help you write better. Clear now?

Plethora of Prepositions

Those dratted little prepositions are causing a ruckus in the land of grammar. Too many become useless:

“Take your hands off of me!” 

“He went on in without permission.” 

“She looked down under the table for her marble.”

Remove the underlined words and ease the reliance on extraneous prepositions.

Wait Awhile? or Wait For A While?

Awhile and while are different words and are treated differently in their functions. When using awhile (the adverb), omit the preposition: play awhile. When using while (the noun),  add a preposition and separate the “a”: play for a while. You can even separate them without the preposition: play a while, take a while to think, and recognize the noun function. Avoid play for awhile. Got it?

Grammar Snobs

France has its own language department; so do many other nations. Areas, regions, tribes, districts — special places use special languages. New languages are being formed every day; old languages disappear every day. Thousands of languages satisfy the earth’s people. In every language are purists, the experts, people who make it their life purpose to grasp all the “rules”. These are people who pro-fess to know the “right” and “wrong” ways to speak and write.

BEWARE! People who profess to know rights and wrongs scare me to death!

Wooden You?

I just heard a guy say, “I boughten two tickets and woulda tooken my new girlfriend but she wooden go. Me and her have went to concerts before.” Can you imagine why the poor girl stayed home?

When To Capitalize Titles (at work)

A simple guideline is this: when you wish to add importance to a noun, capitalize it: the title (chair, president, director, manager, editor...) that precedes a name (Chair Anderson, Senior Editor Johnson). When the title follows the name or is used without a name, no caps!

My own preference is to always capitalize “President” when referring to the President of the United States. Use capital letters for letter abbreviations (CEO, IBM, PBS), and for your company and/or boss. Because the capital letter indicates importance, use it when referring to the ones you wish to impress (or are required to pay tribute).

If you work for a government, you have my sympathies. You may choose (or be required) to capitalize the outfit: federal/Federal, city/City, state/State, army/Army.  

Check your group’s style manual carefully.

SSSS or ZZZZ? When do I use which?

The change in spelling from s to z came with the switch from British English to U.S. Language. If I had my way, I'd change them all to z’s: realize, surprize, analyze, surmize, finalize, reprize.... Why make life any more difficult than it is?

Linus’s Security Blanket

A lot of people feel uncomfortable in a state of anarchy. They like security blankets, the warm feeling of holding onto something, following directions, knowing there are rules, rights-and-wrongs, answers to all the questions — some people. Thank heavens, more of us know the value of taking risks, of daring. We’re the creators!

(It takes all kinds…that’s the beauty of life.)

NEENER NEENER, NEENER!

Open your computer. Check out WORD/TOOLS/Language and notice the number of languages (mine lists 31).  English offers three choices: UK (the “real” thing), Australian, and United States! Now do you see why we U.S.ers have such a rich language opportunity? Our English is the only one in the world that includes words from just about every other language. My Webster’s (English) Dictionary lists word source abbreviations for 152 languages. Farsi anyone?

YYUR, YYUB, ICUR, YY4me

Found this note in an old (very old) school yearbook -- waaaay before twitters and tweets. Will Espy called it “ABC Language” in the 1970s; it mimics what folks keep kvetching about -- shortcutting the English language. Well, it's hard to say where this started, but today's twitterers' grandparents — maybe great-grandparents even — knew about it. Figure out this one — and send me the answer:

AB,  F  U  NE X?
S  V  F  X.
F  U  NE  M?
SV  F  M.
OK  L  F  M  N  X

Wimpy Verbs

Yeah, a bunch of everyday verbs have so many meanings they lose their punch. A wimpy verb is one so overused it becomes useless. Here’s a list of a few. You may want to replace these when you find them in your work: go, come, do, is, get, put, take, make, have.

What Style Manual Should I Use?

When a writer asks me this, my response is: “Write your own damn style manual.” (Sometimes I use more panache, but you get the idea.) You can, you know. Keep track of your grammar, punctuation, and spelling choices in Your Style Manual. You can build one in a spiral notebook or an online folder. Keep it accessible. If you want more of a jump start, look C-A-R-E-F-U-L-L-Y at the style manuals at your bookstore and choose one that comes close to your own preferences. None of the commercial books will be totally compatible. Take your favorite home and mark it up to suit your own writing style.

What's the difference between recover and re-cover?

That little hysterical hyphen is a hyper hypnotist in that it can completely hype a word. Recover means “to get well, heal”. Re-cover means “to put on a new cover”. Same with remark and re-mark; remark means “to say something”; re-mark means “to mark it again”. Got it? Take care in using the re-words. (Okay reword means “to word it again”; that’s all!)

What do you call US?

Most of us call ourselves “Americans”. We call our country “America” or “U.S.A.” (we like to talk short). Technically, in reality, logically, sensibly, the U.S. of A. is only a part of America; other Americans include Guatamalans, Canadians, Mexicans, Argentinians, Peruvians, and more. Where do we get off presuming we are THE Americans? What would you call US: US-ers? U.S.-ers? USA-ers? We are special, dammit! Why can’t we come up with a special name?

What do you capitalize in a title?

Generally,  nouns, verbs, their modifiers, sometimes a preposition (if it seems important), and the first word of the title, no matter what: The Anarchist's Guide to Grammar or The Anarchist's Guide To Grammar (my preference). Grammar For Grownups (I like the capital “F”). The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire (that’s the way they like it!)

Gramma’s G-R-A-M-M-A-R

Grrrr! I keep receiving emails asking me questions about “grammer”. Grrr! Wouldn’t you think that word would be spelled “right”? Wait-a-minute...maybe it is. Spelling changes with the times. Your dictionary may show the word “grammar” comes from gramere (Middle English), gramaire (Old French) and even from gramma and grammat, meaning “letters”. Is it any wonder we wonder about our wonder-ful language?

Prioritize and Incentivize?

I don’t think so! It started with the word “prioritize”. Now, turning perfectly beautiful nouns into verbs has become a habit of those trying to sound erudite (look it up!). Making up new words is the sign of an anarchist, but some of the stuff seems just too too too! “Incentivize” is one that came out of the Iowa political caucus — would that be caucusizing? See what I mean?

Who Said???

Keep asking these questions: who writes this? who says I can’t? who said I should? (that last one really gets me burning! I cannot listen to talk radio because I keep asking, “How do you know what you’re saying?” I want to hear from people who know — and there’s the rub! When you are unable to identify the source of information, look at it with jaundiced eye (I love that word “jaundiced”; it’s so yellow!), and continue to write with your own words.

Who Writes That Stuff?

At least two major chain stores in this area sport signs designating a “Stationary Department”. Isn't that sweet? A department that doesn't move! Doesn’t anyone else realize the word is stationery, with an “e”? An easy way to remember: paper is also spelled with “er”.

You Did Not Choose Your Grandma

Even if you can’t choose your grandma, you can choose your grammar! If you’re looking for the best book to guide you, choose v-e-r-y carefully. Look at the Table of Contents: are all the elements of U.S. language there? Look up the guidelines for something you’ve been wondering about: does it give you a usable solution? How often is the word “rule” used (without the quotation marks)? Does this grammarian claim to have “all the answers”? BEWARE!

Single Consonant Follows Vowel

Here’s another cop-out “rule”: A vowel, followed by a single consonant has a long-vowel sound, as in riding, siding, and tiding. Now explain to me the pronunciation of coming (instead of coh-ming), boxing (instead of bowx-ing), caring (instead of cayr-ing) daring (instead of dayr-ing) and a skillion more. “S’plain to me, Lucy!”

Hom/ning In on All-told/tolled/toled/totaled

When you get near, do you “home in” or “hone in”? Home as in “heading for home” or hone, as in “fine-tuning” or “advancing toward a target”?

And when you add it all up, is your bottom line all told (as in “finished”), all tolled (as in “all rung up”), or all toled or all totaled, (as in “summed up”)?

Sorry, can’t help you! This is another of your decisions. How did you learn it? How do you use it?
(Exit Stage Left, muttering: “Crazy language!”)

Please, put me out of my misery: “None”, singular or plural?

Rest easy; none can be both singular and plural, depending on how you want to use it. Generally, I use the singular pronoun, as in its original meaning “no one”. Here are your choices: 1) when none is followed by a preposition modifier (none of the people believe), choose the plural, as you would if modified by “almost” (almost none believe...). Or 2) choose the singular (none of the people believes), meaning “not even one person believes”.

Grammar is Like Breakfast

Whaddaya prefer? Yogurt and granola? Eggs and toast? Pancakes? Steak? or all of the above? No two people agree on the “proper” breakfast (or any other meal). So why should we expect agreement on the “proper” way we write and talk? Or even on some spelling choices? Think about it!

Is it “the team is...” or “the team are...”?

No “rule” for this one. Depends on what you mean. Are you referring to the team as a unit? Use “is” (The team is on the road). If you’re referring to all the members of the team, use “are” (The team are eating  supper). If in doubt, insert “members of...” and if it fits, you have your answer.

“Anarchy” Gets Things Done

Don’t be afraid of anarchists. The U.S. was founded by them; civil rights were assured by their efforts; positive change occurs through their actions — more often than not. Become a Grammar Anarchist by taking control of your writing. Choose the way you want to write (because the purported “rules” are just that — purported). Look it up!

Further or Farther From the Truth?

What's the difference between the “U” and the “A” word? When the truth lies around the next bend, you are farther from it; when the truth lies somewhere in the future, you give it further consideration. Think of the far...word as referring to distance.

Don’t Bug Me!

Today I’m in Pronunciation Rant Mode. How often I hear the plural of “process” pronounced “process-eez”, much like the plural of “oasis” is pronounced “oas-eez” and plural “basis” is “bas-eez”. Sounds classy, doesn’t it? Unless you know the plural of “process” is pronounced like “dresses”: “process-ez”. Stop bugging me!

Right and Wrong (Uh-uh!)

Words that I hate: correct, proper, right, true, good — and all their opposites. These are judgment words that imply that something could be “right” or “wrong”. An anarchist’s query: who says? Who is the great adjudicator who knows what is correct or incorrect, proper or improper, right and true and good or wrong and false and bad? “WHO?” I ask! If you use these words, you’d best know the answer.

Good, Bad, or Healthy

GA: “How are you?”
Friend: “I’m good. And you?”
GA: “I’m well — and good too.”
So goes the Grammar Anarchist’s discourse with people who proclaim their goodness (moral behavior) when I inquire about their health. When I’m good, I’m very very good; and when I’m well, I feel even better. I may even be good and well, which is good-er.

Did the crowd float?

When I read: “The concert attracted a crowd of over 500 music lovers...” I visualized all those people floating above the string section, smiling, eyes closed, listening. Wake up, Reporter! There were “more than 500” in that crowd. Over indicates direction, “on top of”. More than counts the people. At least in my Style Manual.

QUESTION: Why do you place punctuation outside quote marks sometimes and not others?

ANSWER: I have chosen to place punctuation inside the quotation marks that signify dialog and outside the quotation marks that do not.
Example: “The ghost is standing behind you,” she said. “Eek!” he shouted.
Example: Don’t you consider the feelings of the “ghost”? Ghosts are defined as “spirits”.

QUESTION: When should I use full words instead of contractions?

ANSWER: Of course it’s up to you, but my general guideline is to consider your reader. If you’re writing a report to the board of directors or your boss, a thesis to be presented to a professor, a request delivered to the city council... or other pieces you consider “formal”, do not contract.

For “informal” writing, as in fictional stories, notes, memos, or blogs, contract away. Incidentally, that choice, applied to dialog, can distinguish one speaker (who uses contractions) from another (who eschews them). See how choice works?

Speaking of Numbers

Writing dates can be tricky. My choices:

No comma when using month and year: July 2011
No ordinals (st, nd, rd, th) when using day, month, and year: She turned 20 on July 18, 2011.
Use ordinals  when using only the day: “My birthday is on the 24th.”

RULE: Numbers 1-10 are spelled out; 11 on up are not

See? That isn't a “rule”, it’s an opinion, a choice. Some claim to spell out numbers “ten and above”. Most fiction writers are told to spell out every number. I ask: even eleventy trillion? My Style Manual choices: use numerals for measurements (miles, feet, inches, dates). In fiction, write out round numbers up to 100 (forty),  switch to numerals for specific amounts (75). I do like to spell out three million, but I’ll use figures for $3 million. See? It depends on your preference — and what you're writing.

So I challenged my friend, “Name a ‘rule’!”

“Of course we have rules,” my friend told me.
“Uh-uh,” I shook my head. “A real rule does not have exceptions.”
“What about: ‘I before E except after... ’ oh yeah! Now I get it!”

How often must I lissen...

How often must I listen to the “t” pronounced instead of softened? In case you didn't get it, the “t” in the italicized words is NOT pronounced. Lissen, the “t” is soffened in words such as offen! How long before we change the spelling to comply?

You went to the movies too?

Remember the old joke:

Child to parent: “Me and him went to the movies.”
Parent to child: “I believe that he and I went to the movies.”
Child to parent: “Oh, you went to the movies too?” 

Where has the courtesy gone? What happened to putting others first? Why can’t we learn to respect each other? Please don't use “me and... (pronoun)” in my presence. Things could get heated!

You Can Lead a Horse, But Not a Grammar Slob

We read about them all the time; I read about one yesterday. “You can lead a horse to water...” and the horse has been led — not “lead”. The past tense of lead (the verb) is “led”. Think of it this way: lead, the present tense verb (pronounced like “feed”) is what you do with a horse. Lead, the noun (pronounced like “bed”) is the heavy metal. Oh, you want a “rule”? Not here! Fool around with the pronunciation of words such as head, heed, mead, dead, speed, wed, weed, keyed, bead, creed, deed... see the problem?

An Anarchhist Need Not Be a Terrorist

My newspaper article today linked “anarchism” with terrorism and violence. Please know that the Grammar Anarchist is a gentle soul who loves words and honors the language of the U.S. My anarchism is directed at those stuffy grammarians who pretend to have “rules” that must be followed. Ah, but there are so many sets of “rules”. My mission is to encourage writers to look at them, then decide for yourself which to follow. The Grammar Anarchist proclaims: Down with “rules”; Hooray for guidelines!

Have you met my husband, Max?

Can you tell from that question how many husbands I have? Neither can some contentious linguistics profs. Some claim the comma identifies my one-and-only. Others say “No!”;  their “rule” clearly shows the comma indicates I have more than one hubbie, and Max is only one of them. Which do you choose?

What’s the rule about “none was” or “none were”?

"Rule"??? Puleez don’t use that word with me! Some linguist pronounced grandly a “rule” that none must be treated as singular: “none is...”. Then along came another linguist who said, “No, none can be either singular or plural.” Once again the GA says, “Record your guideline and use it as you deem appropriate.” None of her children were boys. (Plural) OR: None of her daughter’s whims was reasonable. (Singular)

What's an Oxymoron?

No, it’s not a stupid oxy! It’s a figure of speech combining two terms that contradict each other. Things like: good war, original copy, jumbo shrimp, permanent substitute, deafening silence, restless peace. What oxymoron have you tripped across lately?

What the *%#)#! is a R-U-L-E?

A rule is close to a law in that it cannot be altered. An honest rule has no exceptions. Imagine the rules of baseball if they were flexible: three strikes, you're out (except...); you're tagged stealing a base, you're out (except...); a caught fly is an automatic out (except...)! An honest grammar anarchist refuses to talk about "rules" when discussing U.S. language.

What? Oxford Changes the “Rules”?

Excuse me while I gloat! Did I not tell you to ignore those grammar “rules” that others foist on you? Did I not tell you to eschew printed style manuals and create your own? Just look what has happened. Illustrious Oxford University has changed its tune about the English language…again, this time disagreeing with the esteemed Associated Press and the Queen’s English Society! “Use a comma before the “and” in a series of three or more,” says Oxford when it previously “ruled” to omit it. 

“No! No! No! You don't need that comma,” say the Chicago Style Manual and the U.S. Government Printing Office. Imagine! No consensus among British grammarians! Didn’t I tell you this is why we fought the Revolutionary War? Write your own damn style manual, I say.

Rejoice in Independence

That's what anarchy is all about: making your own rules. Didn't we in the U.S. do that in the 1700s? Writers still are free to choose their own rules. The anarchists of the 1700s made sure we have that freedom. Hail Anarchy!

Celebrate Independence Day

To celebrate the United States' Independence from England, join the grammar anarchist in sending up rockets. And if you declare, "God bless America", know you are asking for blessings on all of the Americas -- Canada, Mexico, Columbia, Guatemala, Uruguay, Brazil, Chile... and all the others. We aren't the only Americans, you know!

To Cap or Not To Cap (after a colon)?

Don't expect a "rule"! There are many, but they don't all agree. If you feel what follows a colon is simply a list or series of things, don't bother with caps. If you prefer to capitalize the first word of a sentence that follows a colon, do it. That's what grammar anarchy is all about. YOU choose. Don't forget to record your choice in Your Style Manual.

What's Like a Metaphor?

A metaphor is like an enigma inside a quandary; you have to sense it, feel it. A metaphor is the wind whistling in the ear of an eland, the rain singing for its supper, the sunshine warming the heart of the earth. Got it?

"IS" Scorekeeping: U.S. 1; Spanish 2

The izziness of U.S. language allows only one word (is) to mean both "to exist temporarily" and "to exist forever". Spanish separates them and offers two. Know the difference between: "Usted esta un burro" and "Usted es un burro"? Shouldn't we have the same distinctive verbs?

Is it "Free"? or "For Free"?

Today's News Tribune Executive Editor wrote: "...we supply newspapers for free to students...." A laudible program, I'm sure. Still, The Grammar Anarchist asks, "Is that extra preposition necessary?" Why can't you "supply newspapers free to students"?

Is it Writer's Conference? OR Writers' Conference? OR Writers Conference?

Numerous organizations face the quandary of where to put the apostrophe (or, indeed, whether or not to use it) in their names. I once participated in a two-hour panel discussion about this conundrum. Our conclusion: No conclusion. Each has a reasonable meaning. What's your conclusion?

What's In a Name — Part IV

Nowhere in the Constitution of the United States are found the words Congressman or Congresswoman. Yet publications continue to blindly follow some style manual and discriminate by gender. Much preferred by The Anarchist are the titles Member of Congress and Congressional Representative, like it says in the Constitution (not the AP Style Manual!).

What's In a Name — Part III

Has your newspaper caught on yet that using chair, to indicate the leader of a group, is both more accurate and more space saving? Instead of designating chairman or chairwoman and taking a chance on the genders of Lee Smith, Kim Yang, Sam Brown, or Taylor White, why not use chair? In Roberts Rules of Order, the chair is considered both the position and the person.

What's In a Name — Part II

What about women's names? Does your newspaper still use the sexist Mrs. / Miss? OR Hepzibah Jones? Or does it use the man's name (Jones) and the woman's name with title, Ms. Jones? OR worse yet, her first name, Hepzibah?

What's In a Name?

How does your newspaper treat the name of a subject when repeating the name in an article? As in: Jeremiah Jones founded a business. Jones recently sold it. OR Mr. Jones recently sold it. OR Jeremiah recently sold it.

QUESTION: I just found a book written without quotation marks. Is that legal?

Legal? Legal? When speaking of literature, do not use words like "legal, rules, or correct". Writers can write however they feel the story is best told. If a reader can understand it, what's the diff?

Long, Longer, Longest

Which of these statements is correct (how I hate that word)? #1) Today is a long day.  
#2) Today is longer than yesterday.  #3) Today is the longest day of the year.
(Only #1 could be construed as "correct". Every day is as long as the one before — or after. It's the hours of daylight that vary.)

Language is fluid, like a river — it flows, changes direction, and sometimes stinks.

Have you read Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales (c.1385)? Here's a quote:

"And for ther is so gret diversite 
In Englissh and in writing of oure tonge, 
So prey I God that non miswrite thee, 
Ne thee mysmetre for defaute of tonge;"

Me, Myself, and I — When do you use which?

Myself and all the other self-words are called "reflexive pronouns"; they reflect, echo, bounce back to the nouns or pronouns they mirror. June kicked herself; Jacques found himself crying; they gave themselves chocolate. Careful not to use the self-word when an ordinary pronouns does a better job: No: She glared at him and myself; Yes: She glared at him and me. No: Elvis and myself took the motorcycle; Yes: Elvis and I took the motorcycle.

What's Wrong With "amidst" and "amongst"?

They're archaic, old, ancient, outdated, old-fashioned, obsolete. Need I say more?

QUESTION: What is a grocer's apostrophe?

That's the darned apostrophe that pops up in signs announcing Apple's For Sale. It doesn't belong there!!! You don't need an apostrophe for more than one apple (Apples For Sale). You do need it to show something the apple is doing: The apple's bobbing in the water. (The apple is bobbing in the water.) OR to show something the apple possesses: the apple's peel is green.

QUESTION: Which is right? "Different from" or "different than"?

Pul-eeze -- do NOT use words like "right" and "wrong" to me! Most writers freely use "different than" in order to save words. One of my guidelines is to save "different from" for use in front of prepositional phrases (you know, those preposition/object words). F'rinstance: Style manuals are different from each other.

QUESTION: My editor changed my text from "over 500 people attended" to "more than 500 people attended". Why?

Your editor is using a style manual that says: use more when referring to "numbers" and use over when referring to "above". Smart editor! Some style manuals don't notice this one.

QUESTION: When do you capitalize the "president" in the White House?

ANSWER: The Anarchist prefers to capitalize that President all the time, because she's referring to the office rather than the person. The status may have slipped, but the office needs to be recognized as important.

Front Page, Today's Newspaper

The headline says the guv won't run again. The cutline below the photo says “she won’t seek re-election with her husband, Mike,” and other members of the family. Misplaced commas — one missing and two inserted to indicate the governor may have more than one husband. Let's try it again: "she won't seek re-election, with her husband Mike..."

Mom and Pop Stuff

We love our moms and pops, but we don’t have to capitalize them unless we refer to Mom and Pop without adjectives. Since we'd get smacked if we called our moms and pops by their first names, we capitalize the pseudonyms: “Mom” and “Pop”.

The Magic-O Guideline

Tomato / tomatos; hero / heros; allegro / allegros; piano / pianos. No need to be bamboozled by which o-nouns are made plural with “s” and which use “es”. Simplify your writing life: adopt The Anarchist's Magic-O Guideline. Just...say...“os”. I've never met an o-noun that loses its identity with this guideline.

Presumptive Pronouns from "Me"-ers

My insides crawl every time I hear "me and him...(did something)", or "me and her...(did something)". Most likely a hold-over from the Me Generation, it still comes across as aggrandizement of self. To a grammar anarchist, "me" and "him" are bad form (use the subjective "he" and "I"). Be polite and put the other person first.

Spelling Better -- Guideline #3

Your vocabulary increases by leaps and bounds when you take notice of root words, prefixes, and suffixes. Spell the root word correctly and similar words fall into place. Play anagram games, such as "Wheel of Fortune" and "Scrabble". Do crosswords.

There - They're - Their

They all sound the same, but oh my, what a difference. Defuse this: There is a reason why they're so confused about their language. There (subject/noun); they're (contraction, they are ); their (possessive pronoun).

Just Between Us

You and I may scuffle if I hear you using: "between you and I". Scrap that one! Bury it! Between is a preposition that requires "me" -- not "I". Tattoo this where you'll remember it: Between you and me.

Spelling Better -- Guideline #2

Keep a dictionary handy (don't rely on your computer Spellcheck). And forget that "i-before-e" nonsense; too many words are scofflaws.

Terms of Endearment

How archaic are the Terms of Endearment, left over from the 1920s! How “Dear” is someone you know casually or not at all? And how many hours can you save by not having to decide whether you are “sincere”, “true”, “cordial”, “respectful”, “warm”, et cetera? Leave them out!

What Century Are We In?

Why do writers insist on using such archaic words as: amongst, amidst, wouldst, doest, canst, wilst? Come on! Toss them out! You're in the 21st century.

Wanna Be a Better Speler?

Start with eliminating words such as wanna, gonna, gotta, kinda, and sorta. Not saying it isn't fun to use them in emails and informal notes, but please, at least know the real words. And check for typos before sending stuff out!

When "ue" Are Missing

When you read my reference to "dialog" or "monolog", you may notice the missing "ue". Do you miss the "ue" when you see "catalog"? Toss your British spelling book and get with U.S. spelling. The revolution has ended!

Prolific Pronouns

Look closely at issues about possession, shown in the use of possessive pronouns. Rewrite: "I kneel at my herb garden, with my seeds, and pour out my fertilizer, taking my time." Now try it without so much ownership: "I kneel at my herb garden, with seeds, and pour out the fertilizer, taking my time."

Do you believe "all punctuation belongs inside quotation marks"?

The Anarchist loves to overthrow this "rule". While you may follow blindly, if you wish, there are choices. When the last word of a phrase or sentence is not part of dialog, The Anarchist places the punctuation outside. Look again at the title and the first sentence!

First, second, third, and fourth: Where do you put the comma in a series of three or more?

In a series of three (whatevers) or more, use a comma before “and”
-- or not? Your choice. Agree? or disagree? Click on ‘comment’